Paper Hearts

Rum. There is so much rum streamlining itself into my veins that I know what's going to happen before it does. A sixth chutiya sense only alcohol can gift you. Except this time round the chutiya is me. "I could do it, I could kiss you right now," I say, a dreamlike sequence lighting up my terrace, fireworks flirting with my fingerstips, 'the Festival of Lights' leaving me lit up and languid. Sparks. We've been watching each other like cats all afternoon, lazy housecats that bask in the sun and eat what's laid before them. When I feel the wildcat in my bones scratching herself out I warn you but your words of wisdom soak the sin in your skin and together we smile and seal the biggest mistake. We kiss. It's sloppy and dangerous but for a split second I know you. I know the secrets sewn into your smile,  the solidness of your chest, the curve of your neck. Truck. Fuck. I breathe minute to minute because all girlfriends know when a boyfriends' scent is missing.
I don't regret holding your hand because somewhere a lone Beatle was singing in the base of my mouth, a repetition of beats boxed just for you. Fuck, truck. Probably Ringo. It's always Ringo.
You know I slept with the Devil last night, he manhandled my mind while I tossed and I turned and I woke up 6 times to pee watching the sky change colours and hoping change wouldn't catch me first.

I open the door and you look so solid, so safe that I want to crash into you just so you can save me. But even Superman wouldn't save Lois from a burning building if she was locking lips with someone else. I hold onto you like a joey in a kangaroo shop and you smile because you think your luck held. The truth is I'm not lucky I'm a liar. We play with lime soaked prawns and your hands are beautiful. They belong to me. I curl into you, into the curve of your clothes, into the strength of your stance because at one point I will crack. I will tell you that I kissed another boy. That he kissed me first. That we kissed. That it happened. I can't look at your face because the hurt hurricanes its way through my heart first and i'msoscaredsoscaredsoscared that you will leave. You do.

I can't breathe. It's been 10 hours and you won't let me beg. You let me fake my excuses but even I can't lament the one mistake you told me not to make. Black and white never gave a fuck about grey.
I'm in denial because you defined me. I woke up knowing you'd walk through my the day, me throwing whines and words that built our world. You say I've ruined the walls, desecrated something that was once pure and shiny. But we're stronger than that. Destruction builds character. You were made for me and your walls don't need washing. Please don't be a stranger. Stay.

I love you.