But I said I was happy.

I've been losing too many people lately - to death, to "abroad", to my great glass elevator and through sheer bloody carelessness.
"He's been pushing my buttons all night", I say mutinously, "winding me up tighter and tighter till I snap and then he'll say 'but why do you care what I think, how does it matter anyway?' another fucking button.."
Your eyes are red slits and your hands twitch restlessly. You want to crush.
"Maybe you have too many buttons, yeah?"
Brilliant.
But if it's just me in my great glass elevator, alienating everyone again, shield up shiny happy faces pressed upagainst the glass,  its going to be just me with those buttons right? Whooosh.. PING! PING! PING! PING!
I'mhappyi'mhappyi'mhappyi'mhappyi'mhappy
Down
Down
Down
Down
Buti'mhappyi'mhappyi'mhappyi'mhappyi'mhappy
I'm so fucking sad.
It's like there's a well of sadness, is that why they say depression, and I can't hack my way out of it. I tried being happy but you know those people who try dancing in a club completely sober? Yeah, one of those - stupid smile plastered on my face hands pumping maniacally in the air hair swishing for effect..
Denial hashtag loneliness.

Now we're going to these meetings
But we're not doin' any meetin'
And we're trying to be faithful but we're cheatin' cheatin' cheatin'
Hey, open wide here comes original sin.

Past. "Who's the one person who's been there for you through every fucking thing since the second you were born till right now?" you're wasted as hell but I answer you obligingly. "Me."
"So trust yourself."
You bastard you're asking me to trust myself when you're the one who's mouth was this close to mine, such an easy alliance to alienate.

Present. Then again, you're going to get sick of me eventually, you know that? The tantrums, the constant demand for attention, the way I don't really care about your life and now the way I need you - my beck and call boy. You're smart, you'll figure it out.
But listen, when you're old enough to know better, find my face so we can get a feel of each other again no?

If I could, I'd run through Causeway and Marine Drive head off to Hanging Gardens stop for cutting chai run on through people and traffic and ground turbulence and sometimes, I'd just stand there and get wet in the rain because I don't have college tomorrow and I'm not wearing a transparent tshirt and it's okay for me to look like a complete idiot because even though I'm not invisible sometimes I'm the only one who can see me.

I'm the hero of the story, don't need to be saved.
But darling sometimes you make me look like the villain.