Boy with a Coin
The nice version.
I've spent all morning fighting the urge to throw up, my gag reflex glazing the inside of my heart. I don't want your indifference, in all honesty, I don't want you. I loved you with a fondness that made me ache, a softness that kept me safe. But it never consumed me and so darling my daydreams have been your downfall. I couldn't control your voice inside my head. I watched the video game version of us building castles together till our turbulent tenacity got taller than I could see and you looked so happy it hurt.
I'm sorry I had to kill you. It feels like I lost a life.
The nive version.
I know what you're thinking. She's making this about her, again. We spent a long time making it about me so forgive me for not giving a shit. I dreamt about you last night. For the first time ever. It was your birthday and you were at Big Chill with your friends and somehow I ended up there with my friends and so did R. Funny how much facebook can tell you about what a person looks like. We decided to surprise you for fun, 'the ex effect', you didn't look that surprised. Actually, you'll be happy to know that you barely blinked when you saw us. She went to her table but I couldn't face the fact that you were somebody else's problem now. I woke up disoriented and empty, alienated with the abyss in my abdomen.
We were perfect except we were wrong and I'm hurting but you will be fine because I needed you but you wanted me. You wanted someone pristine and whole, you wanted the best of me. I gave you the worst of me for months pushing your limits only to find you were limitless. Your own superpower. I have a sad secret feeling that tells me you enjoyed it. You liked being the hero. I liked putting on a show. Now I'm showless, shameless, careless and I don't have the energy to build a new fortress from scratch with someone else. (I miss you) Someone who won't understand my quirks, who won't see the shadow behind my smile, who won't let me clutch at straws. If that's what you're worried about trust me, it's not worth it. My whore days are dead. Flirting is fun but I never seem to see a future. If we're worrying, it's you I need to delete = 6. You're going to fall whole heartedly in love with someone else, like those Surf ads - white tshirt immersed in Surf Excel emerges shining, white, brighter than white - while I watch from the sidelines. I'm not asking you to wait. (I miss you) I'm just telling it like it is. I don't know me.(I miss you) I don't know what I like, I don't know who makes me squirm, what makes me swear but you did and it's time I ventured out without a guardian. You should know, it's the darkside that gives me butterflies. All I know is that my shield is stronger, my snapping more on cue but my softer side is dormant, waiting to unfurl like a sleeping beast. Till that happens I'll place bets on my beauty.
You said I was worth the barbed wire.
I'm sorry if you bled.
I've spent all morning fighting the urge to throw up, my gag reflex glazing the inside of my heart. I don't want your indifference, in all honesty, I don't want you. I loved you with a fondness that made me ache, a softness that kept me safe. But it never consumed me and so darling my daydreams have been your downfall. I couldn't control your voice inside my head. I watched the video game version of us building castles together till our turbulent tenacity got taller than I could see and you looked so happy it hurt.
I'm sorry I had to kill you. It feels like I lost a life.
The nive version.
I know what you're thinking. She's making this about her, again. We spent a long time making it about me so forgive me for not giving a shit. I dreamt about you last night. For the first time ever. It was your birthday and you were at Big Chill with your friends and somehow I ended up there with my friends and so did R. Funny how much facebook can tell you about what a person looks like. We decided to surprise you for fun, 'the ex effect', you didn't look that surprised. Actually, you'll be happy to know that you barely blinked when you saw us. She went to her table but I couldn't face the fact that you were somebody else's problem now. I woke up disoriented and empty, alienated with the abyss in my abdomen.
We were perfect except we were wrong and I'm hurting but you will be fine because I needed you but you wanted me. You wanted someone pristine and whole, you wanted the best of me. I gave you the worst of me for months pushing your limits only to find you were limitless. Your own superpower. I have a sad secret feeling that tells me you enjoyed it. You liked being the hero. I liked putting on a show. Now I'm showless, shameless, careless and I don't have the energy to build a new fortress from scratch with someone else. (I miss you) Someone who won't understand my quirks, who won't see the shadow behind my smile, who won't let me clutch at straws. If that's what you're worried about trust me, it's not worth it. My whore days are dead. Flirting is fun but I never seem to see a future. If we're worrying, it's you I need to delete = 6. You're going to fall whole heartedly in love with someone else, like those Surf ads - white tshirt immersed in Surf Excel emerges shining, white, brighter than white - while I watch from the sidelines. I'm not asking you to wait. (I miss you) I'm just telling it like it is. I don't know me.(I miss you) I don't know what I like, I don't know who makes me squirm, what makes me swear but you did and it's time I ventured out without a guardian. You should know, it's the darkside that gives me butterflies. All I know is that my shield is stronger, my snapping more on cue but my softer side is dormant, waiting to unfurl like a sleeping beast. Till that happens I'll place bets on my beauty.
You said I was worth the barbed wire.
I'm sorry if you bled.
posted by Cat at
2:10 AM
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