The Boy who Lived
Dear Stranger,
You hate me. I was so taken aback by the depth of your hurt that I went through old chats and memories just to tell myself I wasn't the monster you made me out to be. Guess what, you were right, as always. I was despicable and heartless and my happiness was ruled by insecurity. Out of complete desperation, ill try to explain myself.
I knew you were special from the moment I saw you. You were wearing that superhero tshirt, and your eyes were so dark I had to sit next to you. God, those eyelashes. There was an energy in you I couldn't place, a restlessness I recognized. You were so earnest and intense and when you started talking I was caught. Just so you known you have the strangest posh accent I have ever heard. Later, it made me feel like home. You could've been straight out of a boy band, you could've sold your soul to someone else but instead you chose to give me your sweatshirt and attention. I knew I had to have you. See again, you win. Except I didn't think of you as my toy, I just thought of you as someone I had to own. And I did. That day in a rickshaw in the middle of sweaty bursting Bombay I wanted to date you only so I'd have the guarantee that you'd stay. You were so pure and in the spectrum of your childishness and wisdom you held the capacity to love unconditionally. I could not let you just go.
I know what this sounds like. It makes me look selfish and manipulative, a taker not a giver. Out of complete respect for you and this being the start of a lifelong apology and a downward spiral of dignity, its true. I fucked up. I fucked up something that could've been beautiful. We could have had the best most sorted friendship but I don't know if I would have been willing to share you. I ruined you for me. I ruined you for you. I was horrible and I took a person that was made to love and turned him into a hater. I'm sorry. I would do absolutely anything to have you forgive me. But you won't believe me and I don't know how to prove myself. You gave me enough chances and you have nothing left to give. The answer would be me giving you anything you want till my feet hurt and my lungs burst and my heart gives out but you don't want anything from me. I would. I would catch a grenade for you. I have dreams of playing superman for you but that would only be turning tables, right? We could be friends. We could be awesome. But there is no me in you left. Fuck.
My veins are laced with regret and my pulse tells me that this is going to be my punishment. Even if you do enter my life you will be wary of me and you will never give me any hold over you, even though I'm telling you right now with complete honesty, that I would do anything for you. You were horrible to me at a time when I expected my face to force you to remember. I cried almost every night. I cried to strangers who became my friends. I cried to people with stories. I cried every time you held a girl's hand that wasn't mine. I cried to anyone who wasn't you. But I forgive you because it was the consequence of my actions.
I know you're glad this is over but I feel like the core of me has been ripped out. Its disturbing because I hurt you in the hope that you could never hurt me. And you left so I wouldn't leave first. What a heartless game I invented, what a perfect player you turned out to be. All I had to do was train you. I'm going to regret this for a long long time. I destroyed us. And now you're empty and I'm full of pain and a history of monsters I forced you to fight. You were right, they were invisible. And non existent.
I can see that you're happy. We were lonely in each others company but I can't place my finger on it. There were moments with you when I was so happy I could die but mostly I wondered why. Maybe that's life. Maybe that's how it works. But you were as close as it gets to the boy in my head. Someone once said, I have a soft spot for people like you, you guys aren't happy with each other, aren't happy without. And now you've build a great wall with my name on it.
I've deleted you off every possible portal. I've deleted your friends. I've tried to delete every trace of you but delete is just a button. I want you to not exist for me because I can't bear to look at the mess I made. I'm really sorry.
I hope when you look back you'll see a boy consumed by his own creation and a girl who asked you to save her from herself. I hope you'll see a boy who didn't know his worth and a girl who questioned hers. I hope you'll see a girl who was just plain fucking scared of what you'll could be. I hope you'll forgive me someday.
Me.
You hate me. I was so taken aback by the depth of your hurt that I went through old chats and memories just to tell myself I wasn't the monster you made me out to be. Guess what, you were right, as always. I was despicable and heartless and my happiness was ruled by insecurity. Out of complete desperation, ill try to explain myself.
I knew you were special from the moment I saw you. You were wearing that superhero tshirt, and your eyes were so dark I had to sit next to you. God, those eyelashes. There was an energy in you I couldn't place, a restlessness I recognized. You were so earnest and intense and when you started talking I was caught. Just so you known you have the strangest posh accent I have ever heard. Later, it made me feel like home. You could've been straight out of a boy band, you could've sold your soul to someone else but instead you chose to give me your sweatshirt and attention. I knew I had to have you. See again, you win. Except I didn't think of you as my toy, I just thought of you as someone I had to own. And I did. That day in a rickshaw in the middle of sweaty bursting Bombay I wanted to date you only so I'd have the guarantee that you'd stay. You were so pure and in the spectrum of your childishness and wisdom you held the capacity to love unconditionally. I could not let you just go.
I know what this sounds like. It makes me look selfish and manipulative, a taker not a giver. Out of complete respect for you and this being the start of a lifelong apology and a downward spiral of dignity, its true. I fucked up. I fucked up something that could've been beautiful. We could have had the best most sorted friendship but I don't know if I would have been willing to share you. I ruined you for me. I ruined you for you. I was horrible and I took a person that was made to love and turned him into a hater. I'm sorry. I would do absolutely anything to have you forgive me. But you won't believe me and I don't know how to prove myself. You gave me enough chances and you have nothing left to give. The answer would be me giving you anything you want till my feet hurt and my lungs burst and my heart gives out but you don't want anything from me. I would. I would catch a grenade for you. I have dreams of playing superman for you but that would only be turning tables, right? We could be friends. We could be awesome. But there is no me in you left. Fuck.
My veins are laced with regret and my pulse tells me that this is going to be my punishment. Even if you do enter my life you will be wary of me and you will never give me any hold over you, even though I'm telling you right now with complete honesty, that I would do anything for you. You were horrible to me at a time when I expected my face to force you to remember. I cried almost every night. I cried to strangers who became my friends. I cried to people with stories. I cried every time you held a girl's hand that wasn't mine. I cried to anyone who wasn't you. But I forgive you because it was the consequence of my actions.
I know you're glad this is over but I feel like the core of me has been ripped out. Its disturbing because I hurt you in the hope that you could never hurt me. And you left so I wouldn't leave first. What a heartless game I invented, what a perfect player you turned out to be. All I had to do was train you. I'm going to regret this for a long long time. I destroyed us. And now you're empty and I'm full of pain and a history of monsters I forced you to fight. You were right, they were invisible. And non existent.
I can see that you're happy. We were lonely in each others company but I can't place my finger on it. There were moments with you when I was so happy I could die but mostly I wondered why. Maybe that's life. Maybe that's how it works. But you were as close as it gets to the boy in my head. Someone once said, I have a soft spot for people like you, you guys aren't happy with each other, aren't happy without. And now you've build a great wall with my name on it.
I've deleted you off every possible portal. I've deleted your friends. I've tried to delete every trace of you but delete is just a button. I want you to not exist for me because I can't bear to look at the mess I made. I'm really sorry.
I hope when you look back you'll see a boy consumed by his own creation and a girl who asked you to save her from herself. I hope you'll see a boy who didn't know his worth and a girl who questioned hers. I hope you'll see a girl who was just plain fucking scared of what you'll could be. I hope you'll forgive me someday.
Me.
posted by Cat at
12:39 AM
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