Chase & Status

I am going to give you up.

And not because there’s a list, there’s always a list, but because I don’t deserve the good intention in you. I cheated it and along with losing you I’m losing the hope that picking a good person doesn’t make you a good person. I wish you’d give me a chance but the odds aren’t in our favour and with the boundaries we started out with the way we were defined by other people there is no play by play win just an effortless background score of drunk Saturday nights that start out knowing or not knowing but always end hungry. The understanding makes me want to unleash my childhood stash of blues and purples and mermaid greens because we are not a sunrise or a sunset we just are. You turn up and all we do is turn our faces to each other and it turns my spine to silk, and I know it’s not just me because your hearts playing hopskotch and we’re melting and we’re not even kissing. Still, you arm yourself with excuses and you lay them down like a salesman but it’s the details that make me want you to stay.

3 am and we’re cab cruising through the city breeze lighting up our veins and you reach out and put your hand on my thigh and I lift my face to you ‘I don’t like PDA in cabs’ you say, and while that would be a challenge for me with anyone else I trust you to never want to hurt me and we face our windows my hair whipping into my face and you’re holding my hand and you’re holding my other hand and we’re a cross connection of comfort.

2 am and we’re sitting in the garden and I’m blazed and I just want you to pet me but you say no even though you mouth is kissing me back and then you bodyblock me “can you please not act like I’m molesting you”, I say and untangle myself from the fit of your body “Are you unmolesting me?” you say trying not to laugh “Yes”, “That’s worse” We sit and for the first time round you’re talking. You tell me about little things and it’s smooth and I’m not sulking and you’re taking me seriously.

1 am and I’m struggling over a sum about smurfs, elves and how many groups they can form. You teach me in words you break down so I can chew on them. You make sure I understand and you do it again and again until I’m not distracted by you anymore. When we stand outside the lift comes 36 floors down, but when you look at me I laugh and we’re back to stairwell one.

Is this situation easy because it’s so hard to imagine that we think it’s not really happening but if that’s true why can’t we Narnia time everything we do? I am over it. We should be friends. Not best friends. Just not kissing friends. Because I like kissing you. But I hate begging you and laying down my dignity cards because that means you never got high like I did.

Maybe to you this is not a colour this is black and white.

Which means you didn’t even try.